Santa Claus is Coming to Town
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My Christmas story this year! This was an idea given to me by my amazing goddaughter, Emilia, and this story is dedicated to her. :-) The Joker tells his children about the time when Batman knocked out Santa Claus, mistaking him for a burglar, and how it was left to the Joker to save Christmas.
1. Chapter 1

**Santa Claus is Coming to Town**

_'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the hideout, _

_Creatures were stirring in the shadows with the lights out._

_As the children lay crouched in the dark by the door, _

_A familiar shape tiptoed across the floor. _

_It crept through the darkness with a creak and a crack…_

_And screamed out loud when something went snap._

"We got him!" exclaimed J.J., leaping to his feet with the net in his hands, as his twin sister Arleen flicked the lights on. "We got…"

He trailed off as he glanced at the trapdoor beneath their feet, to see two familiar figures standing in the pit below. "Daddy?" he asked. "Mommy?"

"J.J….Leenie, what are you two still doing up?" demanded the Joker, pulling himself up out of the pit. "It's Christmas Eve – you're supposed to be asleep or Santa won't come!"

"We thought he had come – that's why we're awake," said Arleen, heading over to join her brother. "We were trying to trap him."

"While normally I'm a fan of random violent traps, I don't think they're as funny when they happen to me," said Joker, wincing as he bent to help Harley up out of the hole.

"Why were you two trying to trap Santa Claus?" demanded Harley, dusting herself off. "That's something that's gonna get you straight on the naughty list, y'know!"

"We wanted to talk to him," said J.J. "Ask him some questions, and we figured he wouldn't stay and chat unless he was trapped somehow."

"That's the only way you've been able to talk to Batman," agreed Arleen. "Catching him in a trap, right, Daddy?"

"Yeah, but what makes you think Santa's as unreasonable as Batman?" asked Joker.

"Not unreasonable – just busy," said J.J., shrugging. "He has to get all around the world, to every house, in one night. He probably doesn't have a lot of time to sit and talk, but we didn't want to miss him."

"So better safe than sorry," agreed Arleen. "If he's trapped, he has to stay and talk to us. We just wanted to know how he does it - how does he get to every house in the world in one night?"

"Yeah, with 378 million children in the world who celebrate Christmas, and an average of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes with probably at least one good child in each," said J.J. "That's a total trip of 75 and a half million miles. And even with Christmas lasting 31 hours thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, that works out to 822.6 visits per second, which doesn't include stops for bathroom breaks or feeding the reindeer. That means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. How does that even work?"

"It's magic, J.J.," retorted Joker.

"Or it's a new type of science that Santa could explain, but nobody's asked him before," said J.J., shrugging. "And we won't know until we ask him."

"But if Santa's trapped, how's he supposed to continue on his gift-giving route?" asked Harley. "You think that's kind, trapping him here so he can't leave, and depriving all the other kiddies of presents?"

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "We didn't really think about that," said J.J., slowly. "We were just curious…"

"And you can't be blamed for that – you got that engaging Joker mind," said Joker. "You wanna find out how things work so you can mess them up, right, kiddies?"

"Well, no, we didn't wanna hurt anyone, or delay Santa," said Arleen.

"Aw, he'd have caught up somehow," said Joker, waving his hand. "Like that one year Batsy knocked him out."

The twins stared at their father in amazement. "Batman knocked out Santa Claus?" demanded J.J.

"Geez, he really is a monster," said Arleen, shuddering.

"Yeah, but this time it was just a misunderstanding," said Joker. "Of course it's a misunderstanding that only happened because Batman's a self-righteous jerk who sticks his pointy nose in where it doesn't belong and beats up innocent people just trying to do a decent night's work, but it all got straightened out in the end thanks to yours truly."

"What happened, Daddy?" asked J.J.

"Yeah, tell us the story!" pleaded Arleen.

"Puddin', if we keep 'em up late with a story on Christmas Eve, Santa ain't coming," said Harley. "You kids have gotta choose between presents and story."

Arleen and J.J. shared another look. "Story," they said unanimously.

Harley sighed, but couldn't suppress a smile. "All right, maybe if Daddy tucks you back into bed with some hot cocoa, you'll fall asleep on the story, and Santa will still come."

"Yay, story and hot cocoa!" exclaimed Arleen, jumping up and down.

"That's all I want for Christmas right there!" agreed J.J., as he raced his sister upstairs.

"All right, are we all cozy and warm?" asked Joker, taking a seat by their bunk bed as Harley handed them all a mug of cocoa. "Then let's get to it. The year Santa Claus came to Gotham City and realized why it's dangerous climbing down people's chimneys in this town. There's always some gloomy Bat-Grinch ruining the spirit of the season, looking down on all of us and plotting some miserable plot...

_Every Rogue down in Gotham liked Christmas a lot._

_But the Bat-Grinch who lived outside of Gotham did not!_

_The Bat-Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!_

_Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason._

_It could be, perhaps, that his tights were too tight._

_It could be his Bat-head wasn't screwed on just right._

_But I think that the most likely reason of all_

_May have been that his Bat-heart was two sizes too small._

_But whatever the reason, year after year,_

_He lurked in his belfry hating Christmas cheer,_

_Staring down from his cave with a Bat-Grinchy frown_

_At the warm lighted windows below in their town…_


	2. Chapter 2

"Batman, do we have to patrol on Christmas Eve?" asked Robin, as he and Batman crouched on the roof of a building, looking down at the lights of Gotham City below them as they huddled in their capes against the falling snow.

"Yes," retorted Batman. "Crime doesn't take a holiday. We have to be constantly vigilant. The Rogues are all out there this year, probably planning on causing some kind of Christmas chaos."

"Well, you were right about Joker causing chaos that other year," said Robin. "That whole Christmas TV special he did just to hit you in the face with a pie…but y'know, I said back then that even scum spend the holidays with their families, and with Harley around now, maybe he's got other plans…"

"No," interrupted Batman. "He doesn't make plans that don't involve me. And Harley's Jewish, so I don't think Christmas means a lot more than a joke to her either. But there's no guarantee that they're going to be the only ones out tonight, which is why we have to be constantly vigilant."

"Have you ever thought of transferring the surveillance part of our job over to a camera?" asked Robin. "Or a robot? Something that can't feel the cold, for instance?"

"You should have worn a sweater," retorted Batman.

"I do have a Christmas sweater, but I don't think you'd approve of it," retorted Robin. "It says _Jingle Bells, Batman smells_…"

"I don't smell," interrupted Batman.

"Yeah, and I don't lay eggs, but that's part of the fun," said Robin, shrugging. "As long as Joker doesn't get away, I'm happy."

"That's not Joker," said Batman, pointing to a chimney on the horizon. They could just see a dark figure disappearing down it. "But it is someone breaking and entering. Let's go," he said, shooting his grappling hook over to the neighboring building.

"Are you sure it's not Joker?" asked Robin, as they landed on the roof. "I caught a glimpse of a Santa hat disappearing down the chimney, and he's been known to wear those occasionally. And dressing up as Santa and sliding down chimneys only to terrorize people in their own homes sounds like his sick kinda joke."

"He was too fat for Joker," said Batman, peering down the chimney.

"Penguin?" suggested Robin.

"I don't think he'd fit down a chimney," retorted Batman. "We should look for another way inside…"

He trailed off when they heard noises coming from the chimney – whoever it was appeared to be climbing back up with a big bag of loot. Batman crouched down, waiting for the person to climb out of the chimney…

The moment the figure's head was in view, Batman punched him hard across the face. The figure gasped, falling backward out of the chimney and colliding with the roof below, which knocked him out cold.

Batman and Robin stared down at the figure in astonishment. He was a rotund man, with a big white beard, wearing a red suit with white trimming, and he looked exactly like every picture of Santa Claus both of them had ever seen. "Well, you were right, it's not the Joker," said Robin, slowly.

"It can't be," whispered Batman. "Santa Claus isn't real…it's gotta be some kinda trick...he's wearing a costume…and a fake beard or something…"

Robin reached down and tugged on the man's beard. "They're real," he said. "He certainly looks like the real deal to me."

"But if it is the real Santa Claus, assuming that's even a thing, where's his sleigh?" demanded Batman, looking around.

"Uh, Batman?" said Robin, beckoning him to the edge of the roof. Batman glanced down into the alley below and saw a beautifully polished sleigh attached to several reindeer, one of which had a very shiny nose.

"No, no, no, this isn't possible!" gasped Batman.

"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus," commented Robin.

"No, look, he's gotta be a burglar…" began Batman, opening the bag the man had been carrying. Inside were a bunch of toys and wrapped gifts.

"What have I done?" gasped Batman, staring up at Robin in horror.

"You knocked out Santa Claus," said Robin. "Because you thought he was a burglar. And all those kids all over the world are gonna be real disappointed when there are no presents under their trees tomorrow morning. And when Santa wakes up, you just gotta hope he doesn't remember what happened, or he'll be telling everyone that Batman ruined Christmas…"

"No, I can fix this," said Batman, pulling Santa up and leaning him against the chimney. "Come on, we can wake him up."

"You punch pretty hard – he's probably out for a couple of hours at least," said Robin.

Batman began slapping Santa's face. "Yeah, I don't think hitting him more is gonna help," commented Robin.

"So what is gonna help?" demanded Batman, rounding on him.

"I don't know – you usually don't want the people you knock out to wake up anytime soon," retorted Robin, shrugging.

"Maybe…maybe if we take him back to the Batcave, we can find something there that'll help," said Batman. "I can create some kind of reviving antidote or something…"

"We'd better hurry," said Robin, glancing over at the clock in Gotham Cathedral. "Christmas Eve doesn't last forever, and who knows how many stops he's got left to do?"

"C'mon, help me lift him," said Batman, putting his arms under Santa's.

"Boy, he really needs to lay off the milk and cookies," said Robin, straining to lift Santa's legs. "He weighs a lot more than a bowl full of jelly."

They managed to haul Santa down the stairs, and placed him in the back of the Batmobile. "What about the sleigh?" asked Robin, looking back in the alley where the reindeer waited patiently.

"Just leave it for now," said Batman. "It's pretty well hidden – it's not like many people are going to be wandering down dark alleys on Christmas Eve anyway. And even if someone does find it, it probably can't be controlled by anyone but Santa. So what's the worst that could happen?"

Robin shrugged, hopping into the passenger seat of the Batmobile. It sped off, leaving the reindeer still waiting, shaking their manes to the tune of tinkling sleigh bells. They remained perfectly calm, even as a shadow fell across the alley as a figure in purple entered it.

"Well, well, well," said a gleeful voice, as the figure approached the sleigh. "What have we here?"


	3. Chapter 3

"I dunno, but judging by how fast Batsy sped outta here, I'm betting it has something to do with that guy he knocked out," commented Harley Quinn, who was dressed in a Santa dress, as she joined Joker, who was wearing a Santa hat, in studying the sleigh in the alley. "Bats fled the scene like a guilty criminal, which is exactly what he is."

"Yeah, but he left all this loot behind, which criminals don't tend to do," said Joker, climbing into the sleigh and opening one of the large sacks left in it. Harley approached the reindeer, and began cooing over them as she petted them.

"Look at this cutie with the glowing nose, Mr. J," she purred. "He looks so different from the others, all freaky and weird – I love him!"

"Oh my God, look at these wonderful toys!" exclaimed Joker, as he opened the bag to reveal a huge assortment of various toys. "This guy was loaded! There are about a million jokes I can do with these – a jack in the box, a Nerf gun, a Batman action figure! Merry Christmas, Joker!"

"And Happy Hanukkah, Harley," added Harley, as she joined him in the sleigh. "So you think this belongs to some criminal going around pretending to be Santa that Batsy attacked? Because whoever it is, it looks pretty authentic."

"Yeah," agreed Joker, looking around the sleigh. "I'm kinda annoyed I didn't think of a scheme like this myself. It'd be a laugh riot – fixing up all these toys to explode and such, and then dropping them off in people's houses. Talk about decking the halls!" he chuckled.

"It must be someone from outta town," said Harley. "I sent Christmas cards to all our friends here in Gotham, and none of 'em said they were doing a scheme like this, certainly nothing this elaborate. Maybe someone from Metropolis flew in for it?"

"Why would they? They have Christmas in Metropolis," said Joker. "Lexy hasn't canceled that yet, surprisingly."

"Yeah, but maybe they were afraid of Superman stopping 'em," said Harley.

"And they weren't scared of Batsy?" asked Joker. "I find that hard to believe. Supey will just tie you up before you can blink and hand you over to the cops – Batsy's methods are always more brutal, as we just saw. Anyway, I guess they learned their lesson now," he added, shrugging.

Harley had taken a seat on the passenger side of the sleigh, and her eye was drawn to the controls. "I wanna listen to the radio," she declared, reaching out a hand to press a button on the control panel in front of her.

The reindeers' ears suddenly pricked up, and they began pawing their hooves. "Huh. That wasn't the radio, but it did something to the reindeer," commented Harley.

"Maybe it's like a dog whistle – only they can hear it," suggested Joker. "But when you whistle at a dog it usually does something…"

He was cut off as the reindeer began racing out of the alley, dragging the sleigh behind them. "Harl, press the button again before they ram us into that wall!" exclaimed Joker, as the sleigh headed straight toward a building.

Harley had reached out to do so, when the sleigh suddenly flew up into the air. It soared up past the Gotham skyscrapers, high up into the night sky.

"Puddin', I'm beginning to think this sleigh belongs to the real Santa!" exclaimed Harley, as she clung on to her seat for dear life.

"But that means that Batsy beat up the real Santa!" exclaimed Joker. Then he started laughing hysterically. "That's actually the funniest thing I've heard in a long time!"

"How do we control these crazy things?" demanded Harley, pressing random buttons on the dashboard. "Hey, Rudolph, slow down! Rudolph and…what are the names of the other reindeers, puddin'?"

"I think one of 'em's called Stupid, which is appropriate," retorted Joker. "And speaking of stupid, if you hadn't wanted to listen to the radio, we wouldn't be in this mess!"

"I like Christmas music – so sue me!" snapped Harley.

"And yet you don't know the names of the other reindeer?" demanded Joker.

"I always skip that beginning part of the song!" snapped Harley. "It's too upsetting to hear how they bullied Rudolph just for being different! I don't wanna remember the names of bullies anyway!"

The reindeer suddenly dived down, and made a tidy landing onto the roof below them, where they once again resumed their calm demeanor. "They must know where they're going – it looks like they're on some kinda autopilot," said Joker. "So Santa doesn't actually have to do anything but go down the chimney and deliver the toys. I guess that makes his job a lot easier."

"If you say so," said Harley. "Sliding down a chimney with a sack full of toys ain't my idea of an easy job."

"Good thing you love a challenge then, huh, pooh?" asked Joker, tossing a bag of toys at her.

"What do you mean?" asked Harley.

"Well, one of us is gonna have to do it, so you can go first," retorted Joker. "I mean, since Batsy's knocked out Santa, somebody's gotta cover for him. And since we found his sleigh, I guess that means it's our job."

"Are you nuts?" demanded Harley. "Dumb question, I know, but we can't take over for Santa! We don't have any idea what we're doing!"

"How hard can it be?" asked Joker, shrugging. "And what better joke could we play on Batsy than finishing up Santa's toy run after he knocked him out? It's a total role reversal, him being the naughty one and me being the nice one this Christmas, and that's a joke I ain't gonna pass up. And just think how disappointed all those kiddies are gonna be if they don't get their presents tomorrow morning. Do it for the children, Harley."

Harley sighed, picking up the bag and climbing out of the sleigh. "Puddin', there's no way I'm fitting down there," she said, looking down the chimney.

"Have some faith in yourself, cupcake – you're a lot skinnier than Santa," retorted Joker. "If he can do it, you can do it."

"But what if I get stuck?" she asked.

"I'll help you slide down, and I'll pull you up if you get stuck," said Joker, taking the sack from her and holding out his arms.

Harley sighed again. "Gonna get soot all over my nice, cute Christmas dress," she muttered, climbing on top of the chimney and taking his arms as she slid down. Her legs fit easily enough, but her hips got stuck in the flue.

"See, puddin', it doesn't work!" she snapped. "He must have some kinda magic to help him get down these! Now pull me up!"

"Just breathe in, Harl," said Joker.

"That won't help!" snapped Harley. "Pull me up right now!"

"You can fit, pooh, just believe in yourself," said Joker, as he climbed onto the chimney and began stomping on her shoulders in an effort to force her down it.

"Puddin', stop it!" shrieked Harley. "Stop, stop…eeeek!" she shrieked, as she slid down the rest of the chimney and landed in the fireplace at the bottom. She coughed, choking on soot, and then shrieked again as Joker slid down with the bag after her, kicking her in the bottom as he landed, and sending her face forward into the soot.

"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" he asked, standing up and dusting himself off.

"I hate you," muttered Harley, trying to dust the ashes off herself as she coughed and sputtered.

"Well, I love you, my sweet little candy cane," retorted Joker, pecking her on the lips. Harley squeaked happily, leaning forward for another kiss, which wasn't forthcoming. "Now let's get to work," Joker said, turning around abruptly and hitting Harley with the sack instead. "Looks like we got a list here pinned to the bag – I guess it's a list for this whole apartment complex, judging by the amount of names on it. And it's not just kiddies by the look of it. Of course this being Gotham, there are lots of names marked as naughty, which means they ain't getting presents…"

He trailed off as he recognized a name, and grinned. "C'mon, we need to head downstairs," he said. "There's someone I especially want to deliver a present to."

"Santa?" said a voice, and they both turned to see a little boy staring at them, whose eyes narrowed when he recognized them. "You're not Santa," he said.

"Sure I am, kid!" exclaimed Joker. "I'm Santa, and this is Mrs. Claus!"

"You're not Santa," repeated the child. "He's fat, and he has a beard. You're the Joker, the guy who always loses to Batman."

"Always loses to Batman, what good imaginations children have!" chuckled Joker, patting the boy on the head. "What's your name, sonny? I'll check my list and see if I have a present for you!"

"Why are you dressed up like Santa?" demanded the child. "What kinda evil plan is this? And when will Batman get here to stop you?"

"Look, kid, Batman beat up Santa, so I'm covering for him, all right?" snapped Joker. "So if I were you, I'd find another hero!"

"You're lying!" snapped the child. "That's what bad guys do!"

"No, bad guys beat up jolly gift givers so they can't finish their gift-giving routes, so jolly supercriminals have to cover for them!" snapped Joker. "Plus in some countries Santa is known as Saint Nicholas, and I dunno how many circles of hell that gets Batsy for beating up a saint. But that's not something that heroes do, is it?"

"I don't believe you!" sobbed the child. "Batman wouldn't beat up Santa!"

Harley handed him her phone. "Watch it and weep, kid," she retorted, as she played the video she had recorded of Batman punching Santa. The child began sobbing louder.

"And just for calling me a liar, you ain't getting a present, because that put you straight on the naughty list," sniffed Joker, adjusting the bag on his back. "Way to stumble at the finish line, kid. C'mon, Harl, let's beat it."

They strode to the door, leaving the child crying his eyes out. "Kids these days, Harley, I tell ya," sighed Joker, as they headed downstairs. "Completely arrogant, and insulting, with no spirit of generosity. They just don't understand the meaning of Christmas."


	4. Chapter 4

Poison Ivy awoke abruptly to the sound of a voice slowly singing in a creepy, minor key: "_He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake_."

"Harvey, what the hell is wrong with…" began Ivy, but she screamed suddenly as she saw a shadow bent over her bed.

"Oh my God, Pam, what is it?!" exclaimed Two-Face, as he started up in bed next to her. "What?!"

He reached for the two guns he had hidden under the pillows and began firing blindly into the darkness. "Easy, Harv, you'll put somebody's eye out with those!" exclaimed the figure. "I'm a little surprised to find you here with Pammie, actually, but then I guess Christmas is a time for charity."

"Joker, how the hell did you get in here?!" shrieked Ivy, striking out at him.

"Please, picking locks is child's play, and much easier than sliding down a chimney," said Joker, shrugging.

"I mean that a plant should have eaten you!" shouted Ivy. "I've grown man-eating poinsettias especially for the holidays, and they're meant to be guarding me!"

"Oh yeah, well, they were distracted by your gift," said Joker, gesturing to her door. Ivy stood up to see the poinsettias swaying to and fro in time with Harley, who was dancing along with a dancing baby Groot toy playing the Jackson 5.

"Hi Red!" she said, cheerfully, waving at her. "Happy holidays!"

"Why is this my gift?" demanded Ivy, reaching for her robe and standing up. "I mean, I guess it's plant-themed, and it's kinda cute, but I certainly didn't ask for it!"

"Well, somebody did," retorted Joker. "Somebody who clearly bats for the Marvel team, not that I can blame them recently. Somebody in this apartment complex, in fact, which is why it was in this bag. You don't actually get a gift though, being on Santa's naughty list and all," he said, holding up the list. "Here's a funny little aspect of that which the song doesn't tell you about – he writes notes to himself as to why people are on the list. You're on it for attempted genocide against the human race, but Santa did note that you planted a lot of trees this year. I guess that's not enough good to make up for the bad, though – you're the only one who thinks that the lives of a bunch of dumb plants are equal to human ones…"

"What are you babbling about?" interrupted Two-Face, rubbing his eyes as he joined them in the living room. "And don't you have better things to do on Christmas Eve than break in to Pammie's apartment?"

"Actually, no," retorted Joker. "Breaking into people's apartments is my job tonight. I'm Santa Claus."

"Sure you are," retorted Ivy, rolling her eyes. "And I'm the Tooth Fairy."

"Well, if Batsy had beaten up the Tooth Fairy, maybe you could be," retorted Joker. "Though frankly, that's a job I would never take over – some freak who collects kids' teeth. It's just creepy. But no more creepy than some of the other folks here in Gotham, I guess."

"You're saying Batman beat up Santa Claus?" asked Two-Face, puzzled.

"It's true – I got it on video," said Harley, holding out her phone. "And now me and Mr. J are gonna help Santa out by taking over his route and making sure everyone who deserves a present gets one."

"Hilarious, huh?" chuckled Joker, as Ivy and Two-Face watched the video. "I'd planned a gag with Batsy tonight, but it wasn't anything near as funny as this turned out to be. It just goes to show you that the best things in life can't be planned out or predicted."

"Ok, well, you have fun with that," retorted Ivy, yawning. "I'm going back to bed. Spending Christmas Eve dumping consumerist trash into every house in Gotham isn't my idea of a fun night."

"But you know what might be your idea of a fun night?" asked Joker. "Dumping killer plants into every house in Gotham. Like these beautiful holiday poinsettias, which appear harmless and seasonal, but will actually eat you alive."

Ivy had headed for her bedroom, but paused and turned slowly back around. "And why would you want to help me deposit these into every house in Gotham?" she asked.

"Because it'd be a funny joke," said Joker, shrugging. "I was saying to Harley that if I'd been able to plan this scheme, I'd have rigged the toys I dropped off to explode. I don't have time to do that now, but you're already prepared with all these killer plants. And they'd blend right in with all the Christmas décor, so nobody would notice them until it's too late. That's assuming you have enough killer plants, of course…"

"Of course I do," interrupted Ivy. "Not just poinsettias, either. I've been experimenting with mistletoe that poisons you when you kiss under it, Christmas trees that slowly secrete toxic fumes, and holly berries that pop to release acid. It's vengeance for how badly my babies are treated at this time of year. I've got a whole roof garden full of them, which I was planning to distribute tomorrow anyway with my own little naughty list."

"Well, it's your call," said Joker. "Harley and I are going house to house anyway, so if you wanna join us and drop off some killer plants at some randomers' property, that's up to you. Or you could just go back to bed and maybe make the nice list next year."

"Pammie, let's not," said Two-Face. "Please…"

"Coin, Harvey," snapped Ivy.

He sighed, pulling out his coin and flipping it into the air. It landed bad side up. "All right, I'll get dressed," he muttered, heading back into the bedroom. "You're gonna need help moving the plants."

"You made the right decision, Pammie," said Joker. "This'll be a whole, hilarious _Nightmare Before Christmas_ routine! And speaking of nightmares, I know someone really skinny who would be just perfect for sliding down chimneys…"


	5. Chapter 5

There was a loud banging on Jonathan Crane's window, which awoke him from a sound slumber. He opened his eyes and looked out, and was shocked to see what appeared to be a sleigh floating in the air with the Joker at its helm, surrounded by Harley, Ivy and Two-Face.

Crane opened the window and Joker snapped, "Get in, loser, we're going sleighing." Then he chuckled madly. "Get it? Slaying and sleighing?"

"Joker, what on earth is going on?" demanded Crane. "Where did you get that?"

"No time to explain – Batsy beat up Santa, I'm taking over his route, yada yada yada," said Joker, waving his hand. "Pammie's gonna help by delivering killer plants, and I figured you'd wanna do something with the fear gas. Anything to give people a rude awakening on Christmas morning, right?"

"I have no plans for Christmas – I usually take it off after the stress of Halloween," retorted Crane. "And I'm not about to change now. So good evening, Joker."

He shut the window, pulled the curtains, and climbed back into bed. A few minutes later, there was a knock on his door. "Jonathan? I think you'll want to see this."

"I think I'll want to sleep, Jervis," snapped Crane. "If it's the flying sleigh, I've already seen it."

"No, it's not," retorted Jervis Tetch, his roommate. "It's something under the tree for you."

Crane sighed, standing up and heading out into the living room. "What?" he demanded.

"Hi, Johnny!" said Harley Quinn, beaming, as she sat under the tree wearing a sprig of mistletoe above her head, and a sign which read _For Johnny Crane – a little ho ho ho from Santa! _

"What exactly did you ask for Christmas this year?" asked Tetch under his breath, as Crane just stared at Harley.

"This is just a gag Mr. J thought would be funny," said Harley, taking the sign off. "I dunno why, but he booted me down the chimney like this to convince you to join us."

"And why would I want to do that?" asked Crane.

"Well, so I don't have to keep going down chimneys, for one," said Harley. "I think it'll be a lot easier for you than for me – we're both skinny, but you ain't got any hips or boobs to worry about."

"No, I don't," agreed Crane, slowly. "But neither does Joker."

"Well, you know Mr. J," said Harley, shrugging.

"Yes, I do," agreed Crane. "A man never content to do things for himself when others can be massively inconvenienced into doing things for him."

"I know it'd really mean a lot to him, and to me, if you'd help us out," continued Harley. "And of course you can deliver your fear gas – Red's gonna drop off killer plants, so why don't you maybe hide some fear gas around so that people will be scared to death on Christmas morning? Wouldn't that be fun for you?"

"I've told you, I'm taking a holiday," retorted Crane. "Halloween's my season, not Christmas."

"Well, you can mix the two, like in that movie you like," said Harley. "I know Mr. J thinks it'll be a laugh riot, so be a pal and help him out, huh? Please, Johnny? For me?"

She smiled at him, and Crane found himself saying, "Yes, fine, I'll help you out."

"Thanks, Johnny, you're the best!" exclaimed Harley, hugging him. "You better get dressed in something on theme – maybe an ugly Christmas sweater if you've got one?"

"I don't," retorted Crane.

"Well, lucky thing somebody in your apartment asked for one, huh?" said Harley, pulling a sweater out of her bag and holding it out to him. It featured Rudolph, with a light up, flashing nose.

"I'm not wearing that," snapped Crane.

Harley just smiled hopefully at him.

"Not a word out of you," muttered Crane, as he climbed into the sleigh wearing the sweater, with Jervis Tetch following him.

"I'm just here to observe," retorted Tetch. "The Victorians used to send children down chimneys, so I'd just like to see the act in practice for curiosity's sake. Of course it's a barbaric practice, and I don't approve of mistreating children like that, but as a consequence of such horrible child labor, the Victorian cult of the child was born, and as such children are revered today, so I suppose out of bad can come good…"

"You're boring, shut up, no one cares," interrupted Joker. "We thought this thing was stuck on autopilot, but Pammie managed to use her plants to steer the reindeer in the direction we want them to go," he explained, nodding at the vines wrapped around the reindeers' bridles. "So…who do we terrorize first?"

"Oooh, Bruce Wayne," said Ivy. "His corporation destroyed a huge section of the rainforest this year, and he's top of my naughty list."

"Does Santa really have a naughty list, Joker?" asked Crane.

"Yep, and you're on it," said Joker, handing him a piece of paper. "For terrorizing the community at large, and for having sinful thoughts about your colleague's girlfriend."

"It does not say that!" snapped Crane, grabbing the list from him and scanning it.

"Nope, but wouldn't that be hilarious if it did?" chuckled Joker.

"Thoughts about whose girlfriend?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"Nothing, Harley," snapped Crane, shoving the list back at Joker. "Anyway, I'd be happy to start with terrorizing Bruce Wayne."

"I would also be up for terrorizing Bruce Wayne," agreed Tetch. "He fired me rather ignominiously from my job."

"Didn't you kidnap your secretary?" asked Harley.

"No, I controlled her mind," snapped Tetch. "That's entirely different."

"But Bruce is a friend of mine," said Two-Face. "So the coin says I'm gonna be obliged to warn him, and then he's gonna call the cops, and then Batman is gonna get involved, and the whole thing is gonna end up with us in Arkham for Christmas."

"So? Doc Leland could probably use the company," retorted Joker.

"I'm just saying, it makes more sense to start with someone who won't call the cops," said Two-Face. "Like a gangster, for instance."

"You just want revenge on Sal Maroni for your face," snapped Ivy. "How is that any different than me wanting revenge on Bruce Wayne?"

"Well, you're not friends with Sal Maroni, as far as I know," retorted Two-Face. "So there's that."

"I vote for flying this thing to Metropolis and dumping some coal in Lexy's stocking," said Joker. "And by coal, I mean killer plants, and by stocking, I mean somewhere more lethal."

"I'm for that," said Ivy.

"Me too," agreed Harley.

"If we're going to terrorize places, why not the University?" demanded Crane.

"Because nobody's there to terrorize over Christmas, genius," snapped Joker.

"No, but when they return, they'll find an army of killer plants and fear gas waiting for them," retorted Crane.

"That's not really immediate Christmas terror though, is it?" demanded Joker. "Anyway, I'm in charge, and scaring a bunch of nerds in January isn't my idea of a fun night."

"Why are you in charge?" asked Crane.

"Because I'm Santa Claus!" snapped Joker. "You see the hat, buddy?" he demanded, gesturing to his head.

"All right, since we all can't seem to agree on anything ever, why don't we just skip the targets and leave it all to random chance?" asked Tetch. "I'm sure Harvey would approve of that."

"Let me just consult the coin," said Two-Face.

"You need to consult the coin to see if you can leave things to chance?" asked Tetch, confused. "Isn't that the very definition of leaving things to chance, and therefore redundant?"

"You're redundant," retorted Two-Face, as he flipped his coin. It landed bad side up. "All right, terrorizing randomers good with everyone?" he asked.

"It's standard Gotham practice," said Ivy, shrugging. "And I tend to favor equal opportunity when bringing death to the human race. It's nothing personal, and it's not a moral judgment on your life. I just have a duty to cut down the weeds before they can destroy the flowers."

"Ok, equal distribution of death it is," said Joker, pressing a button on the sleigh. "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. Permanently!" he cackled, laughing maniacally as the sleigh soared off into the sky.


	6. Chapter 6

"I think he's waking up, Batman," said Robin, as he and Batman loomed over Santa Claus, who was stirring slightly on a makeshift bed in the Batcave.

Santa slowly opened his twinkling eyes, and then immediately shut them again in pain. "Oh holy night!" he exclaimed. "What happened?"

"Holy Batman happened," explained Robin, gesturing at him. "It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Claus, and please note that I had absolutely nothing to do with Batman attacking you earlier…"

"Oh, is that what hit me?" demanded Santa, whose twinkling and now angry eyes turned to Batman. "And may I ask what I did to provoke this attack?"

"You were sneaking into people's houses via their chimneys," growled Batman. "So it's basically your own fault for breaking and entering."

"And it didn't occur to you that on Christmas Eve, somebody going down chimneys might be Santa Claus?" demanded Santa.

"I didn't think you were real, all right?" snapped Batman. "I mean, I never got any presents from Santa ever…"

"Well, that's a big hint that you're probably on the naughty list, isn't it?" interrupted Santa. "Did you try changing your ways and seeing if you received presents on Christmas then?"

"Batman isn't really big on changing his ways," said Robin, as Batman just glared at him. "Mostly he just likes to try the same things over and over, with predictable results."

"I see," said Santa. "Well, I'm sure you've heard the definition of insanity before," he said, struggling to his feet. "Where did you put my sleigh? I need to get out of here and make up for lost time."

"We left it in the alley where you left it," said Robin.

"Unguarded?" demanded Santa, turning to them. "Why didn't one of you stay to watch over it?"

"We were in a hurry to wake you up," retorted Batman. "And nobody drives the Batmobile but me."

"And I wanted to make sure you understood that this whole misunderstanding had nothing to do with me," said Robin. "Y'know, so my presents aren't affected by Batman's mistake…"

"But what if somebody found my sleigh?" interrupted Santa. "And stole it?"

"I don't think that's likely…" began Batman.

"Uh…Batman?" said Robin, pointing to the screen behind him. It was showing the news, which was playing grainy footage of a sleigh soaring through the sky with some very familiar figures in it.

"This is Jack Ryder, reporting that what to our wondering eyes should appear in Gotham's skies on Christmas Eve than a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer," said the anchorman. "Although its occupant doesn't appear to be jolly St. Nick, but rather a coterie of criminals. Is this some new terror just in time for Christmas, and where is the Batman to stop these villains in their tracks? And will he be in time to save Christmas? Stay tuned to find out."

"Those supercriminals stole my sleigh," muttered Santa, staring at the screen. "Well, thanks a lot, Batman!" he snapped, rounding on him. "Do you have any idea what kind of mess you've caused?!"

"Yes, but I can handle it," growled Batman, who was already heading toward the Batwing. "I'll take the Batwing and scour the skies, and just latch onto them and reel them in once I've spotted them. It's not a problem."

"Oh, it could be," said Santa. "If they discover the hidden button on my sleigh."

Batman stopped and turned slowly. "What hidden button?" he asked.

"How exactly do you think I manage to complete my route all in one night?" asked Santa.

"I don't know – I told you, I didn't think you were real until tonight," snapped Batman. "And I don't think too hard about things that aren't real."

"My sleigh has the ability to travel through time at a faster rate," said Santa. "So fast that time is basically frozen while I'm traveling. That's how I get to every house in one night, and still have time to not only drop off presents, but enjoy the milk and cookies, feed the reindeer, and take bathroom breaks."

"I knew it!" exclaimed J.J., breaking into the story suddenly. "I knew it was some kinda time-bending technology!"

"J.J., don't interrupt!" hissed Arleen.

"No, no, this is a good time for a break," said Joker, taking the empty hot chocolate mugs from them. "A bathroom break, if anyone needs one. Any questions so far?"

"I don't really understand why you and Mommy and Auntie Ivy and Uncle Two-Face and Uncle Jonathan and Uncle Jervis are going to slide down chimneys and try and hurt people," said Arleen. "Isn't that a little bit…mean?"

"Well, it's kinda hard to explain," said Joker. "And probably something we'll talk about more when you're older. But do you really think your old man doesn't have an ace up his sleeve? You know he doesn't play nicely with others and frankly, playing a joke on your extended family is an opportunity I can never pass up. I mean, sure, dropping off killer gifts in people's houses would be a laugh riot, but who's my favorite person to play pranks on?"

"Batman," both children said instantly.

"That's right," said Joker, nodding. "So you can bet the joke's probably gonna be on him in the end. And as much as it would annoy him to have us terrorizing randomers, the best jokes are the ones he's not expecting. Just the look of bafflement on his little Bat face is really all I want for Christmas every year," he sighed.

"So what happened, Daddy?" asked J.J. "Did you find that secret time stopping button? Did Batman catch up with you? What about Santa? Was he mad at you? Is he gonna be mad at us and not give us presents?"

Joker smiled. "Well, you'll just have to wait and see, won't you?" he asked.

"But first, more hot cocoa please, Mommy?" asked Arleen, hopefully.

Harley sighed. "Santa ain't never coming tonight," she muttered under her breath, as she left to go make more cocoa.


	7. Chapter 7

"This is better than a roller coaster!" exclaimed Joker, as the sleigh soared through Gotham's skies.

"I loathe roller coasters," commented Crane, holding his stomach.

"As do I," agreed Tetch, who had turned green. "I'm feeling slightly ill…"

"Over the side," snapped Joker. "See if you can hit some randomers down below – that's what they get for leaving their Christmas shopping until the last minute!" he chuckled.

"Uh, J, head's up," said Two-Face, nodding behind the sleigh where the Batwing was fast approaching. "We've got a Bat alert."

"Typical," sighed Joker. "Can't even begin a party without a Bat-crasher."

"Hang on, everyone," said Ivy, as she beckoned her plants to steer the reindeer in a zig-zag pattern, dipping up and down the sky, which didn't help to ease Tetch's stomach. "J, isn't there any way to make these dumb animals go faster?" she demanded, rounding on him as the Batwing continued to gain ground.

"Well, let's see," said Joker, studying the control panel in front of him. "There's the one big button which makes the reindeer go…something that looks like a cupholder, probably for any milk he doesn't finish before he leaves the houses…some kinda lighter and ashtray? I guess Santa does traditionally smoke a pipe, but he's been made family friendly in recent years, like so many of us…"

"Yeah, keep looking," interrupted Two-Face, as a hook shot out from the Batwing, catching onto the bottom of the sleigh. It began to pull the sleigh back as the reindeer strained to pull it forward.

"I'm telling you, there's no other button here except this cigarette lighter," said Joker, as he removed it from its slot. "Oh, hang on," he said, studying it. "It's not a lighter – it's another button…"

"So press it!" shouted Harley, slamming his hand down on it.

"Harley, if that was a lighter, it could have been burning hot – you're never supposed to touch a cigarette lighter, no matter how short a time it's been plugged in…" began Joker, but he trailed off as he looked around at the frozen scene surrounding him.

"Puddin', what's happened?" whispered Harley, as she gazed around. Everyone seemed to have been turned into statues, and the sleigh was stuck completely still in the sky. She turned to see the Batwing, which also appeared frozen, Batman's hand poised over the control that would have dragged the sleigh back.

"I...dunno," said Joker, slowly. "Yoo hoo, Pammie!" he exclaimed, waving his hand in front of her face, which was set in a snarl as it glared at the reindeer, who were frozen with their hooves slicing through the air. "Harvey? Johnny? Jervis?"

"I think they're all…frozen in time, puddin'," said Harley. "Maybe because of the button we pressed?"

"And we're not…because we pressed the button together, I guess," finished Joker. Then a smile lit up his face. "Oh yeah, this is gonna be hysterical!" he chuckled. "Let's get ready to play the joke of the century on these chumps!"

"These chumps?" repeated Harley. "You mean our friends?"

"Yep, chumps," agreed Joker, nodding. "And it'll be a great joke on Batsy, and old St. Nick will probably give us heaps of presents for it!"

"For what?" asked Harley, puzzled. "For delivering killer gifts into people's homes?"

"No, scratch that plan, pooh," said Joker, waving his hand. "That was just the bait to get all these losers in one place. And now that they are, we can stab them in the back!"

"Puddin', I'm really not comfortable with that," said Harley. "Our friends don't deserve violence…"

"It'll be a metaphorical backstabbing, pooh," interrupted Joker. "No joke in killing these losers – who would I play pranks on then? Well, aside from Batsy, of course. Speaking of which…"

He turned and climbed over the sacks of presents and onto the claw from the Batwing that had seized the sleigh in its grip. Balancing on the beam, he slowly inched his way over towards the cockpit.

"Harley, you go pull the losers out of the sleigh," he commanded, nodding at the roof just below them. "Just dump 'em over the side – the mysterious bruises they'll wake up to when we restart time will only add to the fun!"

"You sure they won't get hurt?" asked Harley, looking over the side.

"It's just a small drop, pooh – a baby could manage it without getting injured," retorted Joker. "Trust me, I've tested that theory. Just try to aim so they don't land on their heads. Or better yet, do. It's not like they've got anything in their brains worth damaging."

"You can be so mean sometimes, puddin'," sighed Harley, as she dragged Ivy over toward the edge of the sleigh. "Hopefully the snow will break their fall too," she said, as she delicately pushed her over the side. Then she cringed. "Oooh, but maybe not the ice…"

"Hey, hey, hey, don't let them slide off the building!" snapped Joker, looking down. "There's no joke if they ain't alive to see they've been backstabbed!"

"Why don't you come down here and help me?" demanded Harley, as she leapt onto the roof below and caught Ivy's leg before she could slide over the edge.

"Because I'm busy over here!" snapped Joker, as he climbed onto the wing of the Batwing.

"Busy with what?" demanded Harley, as she climbed back up to the sleigh to try and pull Crane off, not managing to avoid knocking him against the ice as well.

"Juvenile pranks and immature punchlines, of course," retorted Joker. "The usual stuff. All righty, Batsy, let's have a little fun," he said, prying open the window to the cockpit with his crowbar and pulling out a permanent marker…

…

Poison Ivy awoke with a throbbing headache and bruises all over her body. "What the hell happened?" she groaned, trying to remember the last thing that had happened despite the pain in her skull consuming everything else. As she tried to blink through it, she realized that the bars in front of her vision were actual bars rather than an illusion caused by her headache…and as she looked around, she realized she was locked up in her usual cell in Arkham Asylum.

"How did…what did…" she stammered, looking around.

"Please stop talking – you're not helping the headache!" snapped Jonathan Crane, in the cell across from hers.

"How did we all get here?" demanded Ivy, as she looked around to see Crane, Tetch, and Two-Face in their respective cells. "Last thing I remember is us in the sleigh being chased by the Batwing – did Batman catch us and put us back in here, and then wipe our memories somehow?"

"He had to have," agreed Two-Face. "He must have hit us hard enough to knock us out, which must have also caused short-term memory loss."

"No, look at the clock," said Tetch, nodding at the one hanging on the cell block wall. "We were in that sleigh just after midnight, and look – it's exactly the same time now."

"But that's impossible," said Ivy, frowning. "Batman doesn't have a time machine – there's no way he could make something like that."

"Actually, I do believe the manipulation of space and time is theoretically possible, and one day may be practically possible…" began Tetch.

"I repeat, please stop talking!" snapped Crane.

"I also have a headache, y'know!" snapped Ivy. "And all these bruises, which is why I'm particularly interested in finding out what happened to us. Maybe we were knocked out for the whole day, and it's midnight the day after Christmas?"

"If that ruffian made us miss Christmas, I shall be very put out," declared Tetch.

"Merry Christmas, everyone," said Dr. Leland, entering the cell block.

"Well, there goes that theory," said Two-Face.

"Dr. Leland, how did we get back here?" asked Tetch. "None of us remembers anything, and time appears to have stopped somehow."

"Don't ask me," said Dr. Leland, holding up a piece of paper. "I was just sitting in my office and when I looked up, this note had appeared on my desk out of nowhere."

She cleared her throat and read:

_Dear Doc Leland and the gang,_

_Merry Christmas! I'm really, really sorry for the bruises you all probably have from me accidentally knocking you against stuff when you weren't conscious, and for having to drop you back off in Arkham, but Mr. J thought it was a hysterical idea, and told me it was all he wanted for Christmas, so I couldn't really refuse him, could I? I'll give you all the details the next time we catch up – turns out Santa has a time stopping button on his sleigh, which was pretty cool. Mr. J and I had a lot of fun with that, but I'm pretty sore now, and not just from dragging everyone off the sleigh and over to Arkham, although I'm sure that didn't help! I think all I want for Christmas is a nice bath and a back massage, and maybe Mr. J will get that for me now since I got him what he wanted. Anyway, enjoy a good Christmas with Doc Leland, and maybe save a present for me! Happy holidays!_

_Love,_

_Harley_

"Oh my God, I can't believe her!" snapped Ivy.

"Oh yes, you can," muttered Crane. "She'll do anything for the clown, including betraying her friends and locking them up in Arkham for a joke. And after I wore this ridiculous sweater for her too," he muttered, pulling it off.

"See, Pam, this is why we should have just stayed in bed instead of following J off on one of his harebrained schemes!" snapped Two-Face. "You knew he was gonna stab us in the back somehow! I told you we'd all end up in Arkham for Christmas!"

"Nobody likes a know-it-all, Harvey!" retorted Ivy.

"Now just calm down, everyone," said Dr. Leland. "I'll admit I didn't expect you back for Christmas, so I haven't got anyone presents, but would me making a batch of hot cocoa pacify everyone?"

"No, it most certainly will not!" snapped Ivy.

"It will pacify me," said Tetch, nodding. "If there are marshmallows."

"There are," said Dr. Leland. "And whipped cream and sprinkles, and I think I've got some gingerbread cookies somewhere."

"Great, I'm glad innocent ginger plants had to die for your treat," snapped Ivy.

"Well, gingerbread is really good," agreed Two-Face.

"I agree," said Crane. "And the sugar will help me feel better."

"And without Joker here, we won't have to worry about anyone just randomly scalding people for a joke," said Dr. Leland. "Let's go, everyone," she said, unlocking the cells.

"C'mon, Pam, don't be a stick in the mud at Christmas," said Two-Face, as Ivy stood in her cell with her arms folded across her chest.

"You know I don't like that expression, Harvey," she snapped.

"Pamela, the Christmas tree is fake this year, out of respect for you," said Dr. Leland. "In fact, all the plant decorations in here are fake, except for this little poinsettia plant that I bought. You know their leaves are poisonous, and Joker can't stay outta here forever. If he mysteriously comes down with food poisoning one day, I won't say anything if you won't."

Ivy glared at her. "Fine," she muttered, following them. "I'll start the new year by poisoning him, and my New Year's resolution will be to do more of that."

"Cheer up, Pamela," said Tetch. "If we got all these bruises, just imagine what happened to Batman…"


	8. Chapter 8

Batman awoke with a start to find himself in the Batcave, and bewildered as to how he had got there. "Nice place you got here, y'know, for a cave," said a voice that turned his bewilderment to blind panic and rage. He tried to leap to his feet, but found that he was tied to a chair.

"Batman, when did you get back here?" asked Robin. "Didn't you just leave like five minutes ago?" Batman turned to see him similarly tied up.

"How did you two get in here?" demanded Batman, rounding on Joker and Harley. "And for that matter, how did I get in here?"

"My time stopping button, obviously," sighed Santa, who was tied next to them. "I told you you couldn't handle this."

"Yeah, and I dunno how that mustache is gonna come off," said Robin, nodding at Batman. "Or that other thing he drew on your forehead."

"What thing?" demanded Batman, trying to look up.

"Something not appropriate for kiddies," retorted Joker. "But to answer your child-friendly question about how we got here, you got a home button on the Batwing. It flew us straight back to the Batcave, wherever it is. I had also drawn in permanent marker all over the window of the Batwing, so it was kinda impossible to see out of."

"What did you draw?" asked Batman, slowly.

"Well, some things you're gonna wanna get rid of," said Joker, nodding. "But you can't, because it's permanent marker, so you'll just have to get a new plane instead. I think I prefer the sleigh though, no offense," he said, turning to Santa. "You know, even with Batsy beating you up, it kinda seems like you should be best friends. Heck, he beats me up all the time, and we're best friends, but you two seem to have a lot in common. Both the moralizing, judging type who simplify the world into good and bad, and then reward and punish accordingly without any thought as to whether your own morality might be skewed."

"I'll thank you not to compare me to that vigilante nutcase who beat me up," retorted Santa.

"Why not? I'm right, aren't I?" asked Joker. "I'm sure Batsy has his own naughty list hidden around here somewhere, and that he also obsessively checks it at least twice. Although maybe not – maybe he's not as big into that OCD as you are, and just figures that people who are naughty are always gonna be naughty, and beats them up before even checking. Right, buddy?" he asked Batman.

"While I like to believe that people can change, experience has taught me that certain people never do," retorted Batman, glaring at him.

"Well, prepare to be in for the shock of your life," said Joker, pulling out several lists of names, with check marks next to them.

"What is that?" demanded Batman. "Some sort of sick log of all your victims?"

"No, that's my handwriting," said Santa. "Those are my lists."

"Oh, I get it," said Batman, nodding. "You gave all the naughty people presents, right? That's the joke, rewarding them for being naughty. How very unfunny."

"Nope, guess again," said Joker. "Geez, I'm glad I ain't that predictable. I guess that would be the obvious reversal of good and bad, and if I were as restrictive and moralistic as you, I might do that. You're like Harvey, seeing only two sides of every issue, so the joke for you is flipping the issue, and bringing out the negative. It's just not very funny, and not at all nuanced."

"So what have you done?" demanded Santa. "Have you kept me tied up in here until after Christmas so most of the children of the world have missed out on getting presents?"

"Wow, what kinda monster do you think I am?" asked Joker. "Keeping children from presents indeed! I'm evil and all, but that's just mean! No, you're both really, really bad at seeing the funny side of things, that's for sure," he sighed, handing both the lists and the time stopping button to Santa as Harley cut the ropes that bound him.

Santa took the lists and studied them. "You've checked off the names of the nice children," he said, looking up at Joker in confusion.

"That's right. I did your damn job for you, and all I get is accusation and suspicion," sighed Joker. "I don't mind telling you, I'm a little offended."

"No, that's not possible…" began Batman.

"It's true," interrupted Harley. "Puddin' and me went down the chimneys of every nice person here in Gotham, although I know that ain't saying much since it's Gotham and all. But all the kiddies that Santa judged worthy of getting toys are getting the toys they asked for."

"I covered for you while you were taken out by Batman," said Joker. "And this is the thanks I get. It's appalling behavior from so-called good guys, let me tell you."

"I don't trust him," voiced Robin, looking over Santa's shoulder at the lists. "I think he's really dropped off killer toys in the nice kids' houses, which are all going to explode on Christmas morning."

"Think whatever you want, you suspicious brat," snapped Joker. "You'll note your name wasn't on the nice list. Anyway, you and Batsy are free to double check my work – borrow Santy's button if you want," he added, as Harley untied them. "But I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my jokes, and this one went off without a hitch."

Batman just stared at him in incomprehension. "Yeah, that's the look I wanted to see!" chuckled Joker. "Merry Christmas to me!"

"I suppose…I owe you one," said Santa, slowly.

"I suppose you do," agreed Joker. "At least one. How about we make a deal? One day, and that day may never come, but one day I might have some kiddies of my own, and I want them to always get whatever they ask for from you, no matter how ludicrous. Deal?"

"Don't make that deal!" snapped Batman. "First of all, I'm sincerely hoping he never has kids, and second of all, if he does, I'm sure they'll be just as naughty as he is! They won't deserve presents!"

"Although my job is to judge children, I do try not to judge them before they're even born," retorted Santa. "I accept your deal," he said, turning to Joker. "You've made my job a lot easier by making up for lost time while I was inconvenienced by Batman. I think rewarding your potential future children is the least I could do. If they deserve it, of course."

"They will," said Joker, nodding. "So, can we get a lift outta this dark cave? The whole thing reeks of loneliness and despair and bat poop."

"Of course," said Santa, as he climbed into his sleigh, followed by Joker and Harley.

"Bye, Batsy!" called Harley, waving at Batman and Robin. "Merry Christmas, and Happy Hanukkah!"

"See you in the new year for more fun and frolics, buddy!" chuckled Joker, as the sleigh zoomed out of the Batcave.

Batman and Robin stared after it. "It doesn't smell that bad in here," commented Robin. "Either that, or I've just gotten used to the bat poop."

"Shut up," muttered Batman, who was going to spend the remainder of his Christmas alone, annoyed, and brooding as usual.

...

"So we're really gonna get everything we ask for every year, huh, Daddy?" asked J.J., as his father finished the story. "Because you made that deal with Santa?"

"That's right," said Joker, nodding. "And of course you two always deserve to be rewarded, being the best kiddies in the world ever."

"I liked that story, Daddy," sighed Arleen, as she snuggled under the covers. "And I guess we shouldn't have tried to trap Santa after all – he's clearly been through enough."

"Agreed," said J.J., yawning. "Anyway, I'm tired."

"Me too," said Arleen. "I was hoping to stay up to at least see Santa, but I don't think I…"

She trailed off, and was asleep in seconds, along with her brother. "You drugged the cocoa, didn't you?" asked Joker, turning to Harley.

"Just a little," she admitted. "Well, they weren't going to sleep any other way, and we got work to do tonight."

"Yeah. I dunno why our kiddies have to be so smart and resourceful," sighed Joker, as he and Harley headed back down the stairs.

"Because they're our kids, puddin'," retorted Harley, as she went over to the closet and began pulling presents out of it. "I'm just glad they're not smart enough to stop believing in Santa, at least not yet. I just think the whole thing's really magical. And that story you made up about Batsy beating up Santa had the ring of truth to it – that's definitely something he'd do if Santa was real."

"I thought so," agreed Joker, arranging the presents under the tree. "In some ways it's a shame he isn't real – I'm sure I could have lots of murderous fun with a flying sleigh. But we can't tell the kiddies the truth about that yet either, just like we can't tell them the truth about Santa Claus."

Harley was about to agree, when she glanced out the window and dropped the present she was holding. "Careful, that's the explosives J.J. asked for!" snapped Joker, catching it before it could hit the ground. "You're gonna blow us all to Chattahoochee!"

"Puddin', look!" she gasped, pointing out the window. Joker looked up and saw a sleigh streaking across the sky, drawn by several reindeer and carrying a large man in a red suit.

"He's real!" Harley gasped, with wide eyes.

"He's real," repeated Joker, staring out the window in astonishment. Then he beamed. "C'mon, let's hurry up and finish this," he said. "And then get the guns. A little target practice will be just the thing for a little holiday fun..."

**The End**


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